Wayne has his trusty laptop at work with him on a Tuesday evening. Since it was the slowest day of the week at the Gas Up, he was watching some videos on yootoob to kill time with. A particular video had caught his attention.
It was a video that a guy had made with a Be Pro camera. The guy was wearing the camera on a helmet and doing some parkour to showcase his extreme thrill seekers group.
"A fucking commercial, I need a fucking commercial to show people how awesome I am" Wayne said out loud.
Wayne paused the video and popped open another browser window. He directed the browser to a popular search site and typed in "buy be pro camera" and then clicked on the first result. The camera was $99 so Wayne bought it right there on the spot.
3 days later the camera showed up on his doorstep. Bruzinski already decided that he was going to use "Eye of the Tiger" for the song in his video. He spent some time getting used to how the camera worked and devising a plan to mount it for his awesome video.
He wrote a script for his video that looked like this;
---------------------------
The Manbat Ossum Interwebz Pwnage
Show training: Spinkicks, punching bag, knife range, wall running, roof jumping, etc.
Flyby of training camp.
Pushups, sit-ups, pull-ups, etc.
Be awesome and kick ass!
-------------------------------
The first thing Wayne wanted to do was the training camp flyby. He climbed a tree and fastened a wire to a high branch. With wire in hand he dismounted the tree and tied the other end to the bumper of his car. He had fashioned a dolly mount for the camera out of a two by four, some eyelet screws, and wrapped a towel around the outside edge to absorb the shock when it hit the bumper. Once again Bruzinski scaled the tree and secured camera to the mount and the mount to the wire. Wayne pressed "record" and let go of the mount, screaming "ACTION" as he did.
The camera sped down the wire and stopped when it somewhat roughly but safely impacted the car bumper.
"CUT" he yelled as he jumped from the tree, scraping his ass all the way down the trunk. Bruzinski turned around and kicked the tree. "You asshole" he spat. Wayne retrieved the camera and watched the flyby footage like 30 times. "Sweet fucking titties" he exclaimed!
For the rest of the afternoon Wayne both filmed himself doing activities like push-ups from a 3rd person perspective and also while wearing the camera mounted.
"This is so fucking sweet" he said as he lay in his hammock reviewing the days video cuts. Wayne was unsure how he was going to edit all of this together though, so he consulted the manual. It was there that he found what he was looking for. All he had to do was put the videos in the order he wanted then choose the option to "bookend all" and it would splice his videos together. There was also a "bookend all with custom audio" option, and "bookend all with custom audio and upload". He configured the device to do just that, but he wouldn't be able to finish it until morning. With delusions of grandeur, Bruzinski retired to bed.
The next morning Wayne popped out of the hammock and grabbed his Be Pro. "All I gotta do is the roof part and its a wrap" he touted. He put on his suit and head mount and headed up to the roof.
The Manbat hit record and broke into a run. He jumped the square gap in the roof like a champ. As soon as he landed he took the camera off and watched the footage. It was fucking amazing. "More" he said to himself.
He filmed himself scaling the wall, balance walking the truss, and even going hand over hand, hanging from the truss. "This is so fucking baller" he screamed from the roof.
Inspired by his badassness, Wayne decided to do a flip twist jump rappel down the side of the building. He pumped himself up for the maneuver by slapping his own face repeatedly and hopping from foot to foot. It was time.
The Manbat carefully measured out how much rope he would need to land smoothly against the wall after the backflip. After triple checking for accuracy, he strode 4 paces from the edge of the roof and without thinking too much ran towards the ledge. By some miracle of gods unknown, Bruzinski executed a perfect spin twist. He had however slightly misjudged the length of rope he would need and end up jumping way too far out. When the rope tightened, Bruzinski swung to the wall hard. He stuck his legs out in front of him to absorb the blow but he was off center. His left leg hit and spun him around so his back took the weight of the impact, blasting the air out of him. Immediately, he lost his grip on the rope and fell 30 feet onto a picnic table, head first.
Bruzinski was dying on the table. When he landed it broke the camera mount in such a way that it was pointing directly as his broken head and face. With the last of his strength he pulled the camera off and hit the power button. With that, the life left his body.
"The Manbat Ossum Interwebz Pwnage" went viral on yootoob. Bruzinski didn't realize that if you pressed the power button while the device was still recording, it automatically executed the command the user set it up for, in this case "bookend all with custom audio and upload". The video had 4 million hits before it was taken down due to a copyright claim on "Eye of the Tiger". The police had to get a federal warrant to get yootoob to release the video to them as evidence in the death of Bruzinski.
No comments:
Post a Comment