The Manbat suit was freshly donned as Wayne stepped out into the night. He made his was to the Manbatmobile and jumped inside. He fired it right up after the fifth or sixth try and motored onto the street. Tonight was a training run for the Manbat and his trusty rusty stank-ass broke down piece of shit LTD. (Shit smelled like the inside of a fake leg, no joke.) Tonight the Manbat would pull off the amazing ninety degree turn so famously shown in that sixties super hero show.
He had his crossbow and some steel cable tested at about 500lbs. It was all hooked up to a bolt and ready to fire. Wayne knew the place to test it out and he drove there as fast as the sputtering derelict on wheels could muster. Down by the train track was an ancient old power pole; all wood and bigger around than two Manbat arm lengths. The hero would fire the bolt at the pole and create a fulcrum to allow highspeed turns that would be all fucking sweet and shit and totally ditch the pigs when they try to stop his vigilante tactics.
"I'm the mother fucking Manbat
I'm the mother fucking night
I don't run like a bitch
I stand my ground and fight" He sang as he drove.
"If your a criminal
and your breaking all the laws
Don't hide inside your house
Cause I'll be down the chimney like Santa fucking Clause!" He's pounded on the steering wheel and bobbing his head around in his mask like a dick in dark condom.
"I'm fighting all the crime
Cause everywhere is where I am
Bust into your lair
Like I'm the kool-aid fucking man!"
"Ah shit here it is." Wayne said as his song concluded.
He revved the engines and speed up jamming the crossbow out the broken window (he had to smash that shit with a brick the day before so he could fire from inside the car) and took aim. He fired and the line snapped as the bolt left the bow. The cable snapped back and slashed his throat causing him to swerve off the road and into a ditch. His body was found the next day along with a homeless man pinned to and old boxcar with the bolt he fired about fifty feet way.
All hail the Manbat.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
The Manbat: Shit Just Got Real
Wayne Bruzinski was sitting at work reading the paper on a Thursday morning. The headline read "Local Rapstar Big Sleezy Suspected of Rape". He read the article in its entirety, then in disbelief said aloud, "Damn you Big Sleezy, looks like we need to have a chat".
Part of the article read like this; "Rapper, LeMonjello Washington, aka "Big Sleezy" has been making a name for himself trying to bring about a resurgence of the 90s "gangsta rap" genre. Getting his name in the news frequently was all part of Washington's plan to lend a sense of legitimacy to his claim to be a "real G". He was recently in a bar brawl in a Columbus area club that was started when he punched out a bouncer for "getting all up on him". 14 people, including Washington, were arrested."
"This mu'fucker needs to reccanize" Wayne said with his best impersonation of a gangsta rapper. "I'm 'boutsta get all real on his punk ass".
Bruzinski worked the rest of his shift and then went home. "Better wait for the weekend so I can post up at the Mancave for this one". He unwound Manbat style and went to bed.
The next day as Wayne was shaving he made up a rap song about how badass he was and how he was going to take down Washington.
"The Manbat is a motherfucking pimp,
straight packin' up bad guys like bubba gump shrimp,
gonna thwart crime when it shows its ugly mug,
show you it ain't worth bein' a thug,
usin' all the tools in his basket,
The Manbat will fast track yo' ass to the casket"
Wayne threw up his hand in the shape of a W, crossed his arms and cocked his head back. "With a fresh beat that shit would be the dope nuggets" he declared.
Bruzinski got dressed and went to work. The day dragged on because he was anticipating the forthcoming weekend. Finally, the day was over and Wayne headed for the Mancave.
Once Bruzinski got to his destination, he started combing the internet for any indication of the whereabouts of Washington. It wasn't long before he found that "Big Sleezy" was performing at a club in Columbus. "Guess I'm gonna do dinner and a show" he said to himself.
Wayne took a shower and got dressed. He put most of his suit on under his clothes and pocketed his mask. He grabbed the keys to the Manbatmobile from his bat logo mug and headed out. An hour later he arrived at the club.
Bruzinski had been standing in line for about 20 minutes and was starting to get antsy. He reminded himself that he needed to blend in and communicate with these people in their own dialect. There were two guys in line directly in front of him talking about how awesome Big Sleezy was. Wayne chimed in on the conversation.
"Dat mofo is fresh 2 def fo' rizzle" he said.
The two guys eyed him curiously.
"Whachoo know 'bout Big Sleezy" one of them asked.
"I know he knocked a mu'fucker out for gettin' in his mix" Wayne answered.
"I know a mu'fucker who's about to get knocked out for gettin' in my mix" the second guy said.
"Shit ain't like that" Bruzinski said, "don't be trippin' fool" he added.
"Shit" both men said and laughed.
"ID" said the super large bouncer, diverting their attention away from Wayne. The two men showed their ID and entered the club.
"ID" the large man said to Wayne, "Dah fuq" he said when he looked at the smaller white guy. "You really wanna come up in here" he asked.
"Do I look like a bitch" Bruzinski asked the man.
"Kinda" the bouncer replied.
Wayne shoved his ID at the man and said "Just stamp me and quit acting like a ho".
Dumbfounded the man just looked at Bruzinski. "I ain't gonna be responsible if you get fucked up" he said as he stamped Wayne's hand.
"I got this playah, I go to shit like this all the time" he lied to the man.
The bouncer handed Bruzinski's ID back and motioned for him to head inside. "Word" Wayne said and walked through the door.
The interior of the club was dark and somewhat humid from the sheer amount of people that were inside. People were dancing to hip hop music that was being played by a DJ. Bruzinski made a full circuit of the club noting all the exits, bathrooms, and other points of interest. There was a large bar towards the front middle of the room that could be accessed from all sides, 2 restrooms on the left hand wall, a raised up stage on the back wall, and tables off to the right hand side, as well as a VIP area that was roped off. Most noticeable were the red pipes that ran along the ceiling from one side of the bar to the other. In said VIP area Wayne saw Big Sleezy and his posse sitting around drinking straight out of some expensive champagne bottles. Bruzinski approached the VIP area and was stopped before he could pass the threshold.
"You ain't got no band cuz" the VIP rope attendee said.
Wayne looked perplexed.
"A VIP bracelet, you need one to sit in here" she explained.
"I'm straight" he said to her "I just wanted to give some big ups to Big Slizzeezy".
"Well he's gettin' his drank on right now, you can see him at the merch table after the show" she said, motioning towards a 5 foot long table that was showcasing all of Washington's swag.
"Aight den, bet" Bruzinski said to the woman. He looked over at Big Sleezy and managed to make eye contact with him. Sleezy cocked his head back as if to say "what up". Wayne pointed at himself and then at Sleezy effectively asking "can I chill with you"?
"Let dude up in here" he said to the attendee. So without hesitation she unclasped the rope and ushered Wayne into the VIP area.
Bruzinski made his way through the throng of people to where Washington was sitting.
"Wayne Bruzinski, pleased to meet you" he said.
"Big Sleezy, but Sleezy or Sleez is fine" he answered and offered a fist bump to Wayne.
Bruzinski pounded Sleezy's fist with his own and said "So what's up on the set"?
"Not much just chillin' and getting ready to kill this place, you wanna drink" he asked.
"Naw man I'm good" Wayne replied.
"So its like that?" Sleezy asked.
"Naw doot, I drove tonight and I can't be havin' the poe poe all up in my shit", answered Bruzinski.
"I her'dat" Sleezy said.
"You'll have to excuse me, I gotta piss" Wayne said and departed the VIP area.
Of course Wayne had lied. He wanted to get more of a feel for the club. He walked around, stopping at the bar for a cranberry juice as he did.
"Do you want vokka in that" the bartender asked.
"Did I say vodka motherfucker" he shot back.
"Oh, so you're about that life now" the man asked, shooting Wayne a look that promised an ass beating.
"Nah I'm just playing with ya" Bruzinski said.
Wayne grabbed his drink and stalked off. He was about to take a sip when he noticed a fresh lugie floating in it. He walked back over to the side of the bar where he saw the bartender drinking from a cup earlier and dumped the cranberry snot drink into the bartenders glass. "Fucking dickhole" he said as he walked away.
Bruzinski slowly made his way around the club, stopping at the restroom to splash some water on his face because it was getting hot in the room. From outside the restroom came a man's voice over the PA.
"He's the motherfucking master of dizzizzaster, the straight gizzanksta mizzack, no otha brutha could top dis muhfukka, Big Motherfuckin' Slee-Motherfuckin'-Eye-Motherfuckin'-Izz-Motherfuckin'-Eee-Motherfuckin'-Zee!"
The crowed erupted and the bass dropped like a bomb on the place. Bruzinski was unsure of what to do. He was about to go back out into the room when he notice red pipes along the ceiling in the bathroom. "Awww snap" Wayne said and followed them with his eyes. The pipes went over to a stall and then disappeared through the wall. Bruzinski walked into the stall. It appeared that the hole in the wall was big enough to allow the pipes through and from where he was standing it also looked like a person may be able to fit through there too. "Yup" he said and started to undress. The Manbat pulled the trash bag out of the can and put his clothes in it and then stuffed them in the back of the toilet. Planting his foot on the back of the toilet, the Dark Vigilante pulled himself up the wall and onto the pipes, which were good and sturdy. As soon as he got up there he could see that these were connected to the pipes that went over the stage. Bruzinski started making his way to the stage.
The vibration from the bass on the pipe was giving the Manbat a raging erection. He tried to keep his mind on the situation at hand though. Arm over arm he crawled over the pipes, inching ever closer to his prey. "I'm gonna pown this motherfucker" he kept saying to himself to keep his nerves settled.
2 songs later Bruzinski found himself directly over top of Big Sleezy. In his mind he could see himself executing a move where he swung himself backwards by hooking the pipes behind his knees, nailing a perfect half flip and landing with both feet slamming into Washington.
In reality, the Manbat slipped off the pipes and screamed "AHHH FAHK" on the way down. His shoulder rammed down on Big Sleezy's head, breaking his neck instantly. With the needle literally ripped off the record, Bruzinski was lay there on top of the dead rapper. He stood up and brushed himself off. The place was in utter silence and all eyes were on Wayne. Mulling his options over in his head he decided to strike a heroic pose, planting his foot triumphantly onto Washington's corpse. Big Sleezy still held the mic in his hand as he lay there, arm twitching with it's final movements. Before he even realized it, Bruzinski had picked up the mic.
He yelled into the mic "WHAT'S UP NOW"? Glancing at the DJ he suddenly had an idea. "Kick me a funky ass beat DJ" he demanded. The DJ just stood there looking at him in disbelief. Wayne stood there in anticipation of the beat kicking in, just knowing in his heart that he was going to rock the mic like a fucking star. The beat did not kick in. Wayne eyed the crowd and then turned back to the DJ and screamed "I SAID KICK A FUCKING BEAT ASSHOLE"! The DJ dropped the needle on the record and walked away.
Wayne had been going over his sweet lyrics in his head and he knew that he was about to deliver some real spit to the audience. He took a deep breath and looked out into the crowd. The people seemed to go on forever. The Manbat's palms got sweaty and his mouth dried out. He couldn't remember the lyrics anymore, but he knew he had to do something. So he sang anyway.
"I am the Manbat!
I'll take your head and slam that!
If you pull a piece, I break your wrist and take your gat!
I be the villain trap!
Gettin' all the pussy with this hero crap!"
Before he could finish the song, the local authorities burst into the club and shot Wayne down where he stood. The newspaper headlines the following day read "Sexual Deviant Kills Local Rap Star". The article went on to speculate that Bruzinski was part of a hate group and killed Big Sleezy in an effort to advance "white power".
Part of the article read like this; "Rapper, LeMonjello Washington, aka "Big Sleezy" has been making a name for himself trying to bring about a resurgence of the 90s "gangsta rap" genre. Getting his name in the news frequently was all part of Washington's plan to lend a sense of legitimacy to his claim to be a "real G". He was recently in a bar brawl in a Columbus area club that was started when he punched out a bouncer for "getting all up on him". 14 people, including Washington, were arrested."
"This mu'fucker needs to reccanize" Wayne said with his best impersonation of a gangsta rapper. "I'm 'boutsta get all real on his punk ass".
Bruzinski worked the rest of his shift and then went home. "Better wait for the weekend so I can post up at the Mancave for this one". He unwound Manbat style and went to bed.
The next day as Wayne was shaving he made up a rap song about how badass he was and how he was going to take down Washington.
"The Manbat is a motherfucking pimp,
straight packin' up bad guys like bubba gump shrimp,
gonna thwart crime when it shows its ugly mug,
show you it ain't worth bein' a thug,
usin' all the tools in his basket,
The Manbat will fast track yo' ass to the casket"
Wayne threw up his hand in the shape of a W, crossed his arms and cocked his head back. "With a fresh beat that shit would be the dope nuggets" he declared.
Bruzinski got dressed and went to work. The day dragged on because he was anticipating the forthcoming weekend. Finally, the day was over and Wayne headed for the Mancave.
Once Bruzinski got to his destination, he started combing the internet for any indication of the whereabouts of Washington. It wasn't long before he found that "Big Sleezy" was performing at a club in Columbus. "Guess I'm gonna do dinner and a show" he said to himself.
Wayne took a shower and got dressed. He put most of his suit on under his clothes and pocketed his mask. He grabbed the keys to the Manbatmobile from his bat logo mug and headed out. An hour later he arrived at the club.
Bruzinski had been standing in line for about 20 minutes and was starting to get antsy. He reminded himself that he needed to blend in and communicate with these people in their own dialect. There were two guys in line directly in front of him talking about how awesome Big Sleezy was. Wayne chimed in on the conversation.
"Dat mofo is fresh 2 def fo' rizzle" he said.
The two guys eyed him curiously.
"Whachoo know 'bout Big Sleezy" one of them asked.
"I know he knocked a mu'fucker out for gettin' in his mix" Wayne answered.
"I know a mu'fucker who's about to get knocked out for gettin' in my mix" the second guy said.
"Shit ain't like that" Bruzinski said, "don't be trippin' fool" he added.
"Shit" both men said and laughed.
"ID" said the super large bouncer, diverting their attention away from Wayne. The two men showed their ID and entered the club.
"ID" the large man said to Wayne, "Dah fuq" he said when he looked at the smaller white guy. "You really wanna come up in here" he asked.
"Do I look like a bitch" Bruzinski asked the man.
"Kinda" the bouncer replied.
Wayne shoved his ID at the man and said "Just stamp me and quit acting like a ho".
Dumbfounded the man just looked at Bruzinski. "I ain't gonna be responsible if you get fucked up" he said as he stamped Wayne's hand.
"I got this playah, I go to shit like this all the time" he lied to the man.
The bouncer handed Bruzinski's ID back and motioned for him to head inside. "Word" Wayne said and walked through the door.
The interior of the club was dark and somewhat humid from the sheer amount of people that were inside. People were dancing to hip hop music that was being played by a DJ. Bruzinski made a full circuit of the club noting all the exits, bathrooms, and other points of interest. There was a large bar towards the front middle of the room that could be accessed from all sides, 2 restrooms on the left hand wall, a raised up stage on the back wall, and tables off to the right hand side, as well as a VIP area that was roped off. Most noticeable were the red pipes that ran along the ceiling from one side of the bar to the other. In said VIP area Wayne saw Big Sleezy and his posse sitting around drinking straight out of some expensive champagne bottles. Bruzinski approached the VIP area and was stopped before he could pass the threshold.
"You ain't got no band cuz" the VIP rope attendee said.
Wayne looked perplexed.
"A VIP bracelet, you need one to sit in here" she explained.
"I'm straight" he said to her "I just wanted to give some big ups to Big Slizzeezy".
"Well he's gettin' his drank on right now, you can see him at the merch table after the show" she said, motioning towards a 5 foot long table that was showcasing all of Washington's swag.
"Aight den, bet" Bruzinski said to the woman. He looked over at Big Sleezy and managed to make eye contact with him. Sleezy cocked his head back as if to say "what up". Wayne pointed at himself and then at Sleezy effectively asking "can I chill with you"?
"Let dude up in here" he said to the attendee. So without hesitation she unclasped the rope and ushered Wayne into the VIP area.
Bruzinski made his way through the throng of people to where Washington was sitting.
"Wayne Bruzinski, pleased to meet you" he said.
"Big Sleezy, but Sleezy or Sleez is fine" he answered and offered a fist bump to Wayne.
Bruzinski pounded Sleezy's fist with his own and said "So what's up on the set"?
"Not much just chillin' and getting ready to kill this place, you wanna drink" he asked.
"Naw man I'm good" Wayne replied.
"So its like that?" Sleezy asked.
"Naw doot, I drove tonight and I can't be havin' the poe poe all up in my shit", answered Bruzinski.
"I her'dat" Sleezy said.
"You'll have to excuse me, I gotta piss" Wayne said and departed the VIP area.
Of course Wayne had lied. He wanted to get more of a feel for the club. He walked around, stopping at the bar for a cranberry juice as he did.
"Do you want vokka in that" the bartender asked.
"Did I say vodka motherfucker" he shot back.
"Oh, so you're about that life now" the man asked, shooting Wayne a look that promised an ass beating.
"Nah I'm just playing with ya" Bruzinski said.
Wayne grabbed his drink and stalked off. He was about to take a sip when he noticed a fresh lugie floating in it. He walked back over to the side of the bar where he saw the bartender drinking from a cup earlier and dumped the cranberry snot drink into the bartenders glass. "Fucking dickhole" he said as he walked away.
Bruzinski slowly made his way around the club, stopping at the restroom to splash some water on his face because it was getting hot in the room. From outside the restroom came a man's voice over the PA.
"He's the motherfucking master of dizzizzaster, the straight gizzanksta mizzack, no otha brutha could top dis muhfukka, Big Motherfuckin' Slee-Motherfuckin'-Eye-Motherfuckin'-Izz-Motherfuckin'-Eee-Motherfuckin'-Zee!"
The crowed erupted and the bass dropped like a bomb on the place. Bruzinski was unsure of what to do. He was about to go back out into the room when he notice red pipes along the ceiling in the bathroom. "Awww snap" Wayne said and followed them with his eyes. The pipes went over to a stall and then disappeared through the wall. Bruzinski walked into the stall. It appeared that the hole in the wall was big enough to allow the pipes through and from where he was standing it also looked like a person may be able to fit through there too. "Yup" he said and started to undress. The Manbat pulled the trash bag out of the can and put his clothes in it and then stuffed them in the back of the toilet. Planting his foot on the back of the toilet, the Dark Vigilante pulled himself up the wall and onto the pipes, which were good and sturdy. As soon as he got up there he could see that these were connected to the pipes that went over the stage. Bruzinski started making his way to the stage.
The vibration from the bass on the pipe was giving the Manbat a raging erection. He tried to keep his mind on the situation at hand though. Arm over arm he crawled over the pipes, inching ever closer to his prey. "I'm gonna pown this motherfucker" he kept saying to himself to keep his nerves settled.
2 songs later Bruzinski found himself directly over top of Big Sleezy. In his mind he could see himself executing a move where he swung himself backwards by hooking the pipes behind his knees, nailing a perfect half flip and landing with both feet slamming into Washington.
In reality, the Manbat slipped off the pipes and screamed "AHHH FAHK" on the way down. His shoulder rammed down on Big Sleezy's head, breaking his neck instantly. With the needle literally ripped off the record, Bruzinski was lay there on top of the dead rapper. He stood up and brushed himself off. The place was in utter silence and all eyes were on Wayne. Mulling his options over in his head he decided to strike a heroic pose, planting his foot triumphantly onto Washington's corpse. Big Sleezy still held the mic in his hand as he lay there, arm twitching with it's final movements. Before he even realized it, Bruzinski had picked up the mic.
He yelled into the mic "WHAT'S UP NOW"? Glancing at the DJ he suddenly had an idea. "Kick me a funky ass beat DJ" he demanded. The DJ just stood there looking at him in disbelief. Wayne stood there in anticipation of the beat kicking in, just knowing in his heart that he was going to rock the mic like a fucking star. The beat did not kick in. Wayne eyed the crowd and then turned back to the DJ and screamed "I SAID KICK A FUCKING BEAT ASSHOLE"! The DJ dropped the needle on the record and walked away.
Wayne had been going over his sweet lyrics in his head and he knew that he was about to deliver some real spit to the audience. He took a deep breath and looked out into the crowd. The people seemed to go on forever. The Manbat's palms got sweaty and his mouth dried out. He couldn't remember the lyrics anymore, but he knew he had to do something. So he sang anyway.
"I am the Manbat!
I'll take your head and slam that!
If you pull a piece, I break your wrist and take your gat!
I be the villain trap!
Gettin' all the pussy with this hero crap!"
Before he could finish the song, the local authorities burst into the club and shot Wayne down where he stood. The newspaper headlines the following day read "Sexual Deviant Kills Local Rap Star". The article went on to speculate that Bruzinski was part of a hate group and killed Big Sleezy in an effort to advance "white power".
Friday, March 14, 2014
Knock Out!
The Manbat dug the vinyl wedgy from his ass for the hundredth time as he waited in the bushes at the park. He had heard about a new "game " teens play called "Knock Out" where a group of kids pick a person more or less at random and dare a friend to punch the person to knock them out. Wayne was appalled by this news and just knew the Manbat had a mission to undertake. After a couple hours sweating like Richard Simmons in the bushes, Wayne pulled his track pants and hoodie on over his suit and put his mask away. He walked across the street to a local corner store and went inside to find something to eat.
Wayne Bruzinski leafed through a video game magazine while he waited for his burrito to finish it's radiation bath in the store microwave. "DX12 my ass. Like someone can tell the difference between that and dx10 or 11." He murmured as the microwave beeped the conclusion of it's cycle. He reached down for the door and pulled the burrito out, stringing a cheese rope from turn table to his hand. "Dem shits be hot." Wayne said as the cheese broke and bungeed to his palm. He wiped it on his sweatshirt and stuffed the food in his mouth.
"What's hot is dx12 and how badass that will be for the system." The clerk behind the counter said.
Wayne looked up at the guy "What the fuck!" He spat burrito bits everywhere. "You can't tell shit difference, they're just drumming up some hype because they're failing hard." He stuffed another bite in his mouth.
"Bullshit look at the difference." The clerk whipped out his tablet device and after a few seconds he pulled up a comparison of dx10 and dx11. "Cleary you can't see a difference in the two." The clerk sarcastically quipped as he held the tablet up.
Wayne grabbed the tablet with cheesey bean fingers and looked at the images. He laughed flinging more gut bomb out of his mouth. "That's just a little magnification and better resolution."
"What ever, look at it!" The clerk insisted. "It has better textures, lighting, particle effects and color."
"God damn it. I'm sick of everyone being all gay for the H Box Fun. It's a rip off and Phony's system is better and always has been!" Wayne visibly shook as he yelled and food was pouring from his mouth. "What's Left of Us was a great game with the best graphics by far and that was last gen. This next one doesn't need dx12 it has open GL and it's fine.
"Oh yeah, I forgot, What's Left of Us is better than Cleared for War and The Unchanted series has better graphics than Oval." The clerk laughed. "You fucking fan boys don't know shit. Enjoy Wad Nation Facials and Little Dick Planet on your Gaystation!"
"Unchanted is better than Oval and you're a fucking Nazi!" Wayne slammed the rest of his burrito on the floor and threw a five dollar bill at the clerk. "Have fun with your piece of trash H Box, have fun with your Oval series that's played out." Wayne stomped out the door and the cashier followed him.
He popped his head out on Wayne and yelled, "The only Oval that's played out is the brown one between your mom's butt cheeks!"
Wayne stalked off when he couldn't think of a come back and it didn't matter because the clerk went back inside any way. "Man fuck that guy, what a dick." Wayne held his hands up mimicking a handicapped person. "I play with Master Butt Cheek's brown oval." He muttered. Suddenly Wayne heard footsteps approaching quickly followed by a voice shouting "Knock out!" then his world went dark. Wayne fell as the youth knocked the living shit out of him and hit his head on the curb. He was rushed to the hospital and was admitted to intensive care for massive head trauma. The blow was so fierce it caused severe brain damage. The Manbat strikes again.
Wayne Bruzinski leafed through a video game magazine while he waited for his burrito to finish it's radiation bath in the store microwave. "DX12 my ass. Like someone can tell the difference between that and dx10 or 11." He murmured as the microwave beeped the conclusion of it's cycle. He reached down for the door and pulled the burrito out, stringing a cheese rope from turn table to his hand. "Dem shits be hot." Wayne said as the cheese broke and bungeed to his palm. He wiped it on his sweatshirt and stuffed the food in his mouth.
"What's hot is dx12 and how badass that will be for the system." The clerk behind the counter said.
Wayne looked up at the guy "What the fuck!" He spat burrito bits everywhere. "You can't tell shit difference, they're just drumming up some hype because they're failing hard." He stuffed another bite in his mouth.
"Bullshit look at the difference." The clerk whipped out his tablet device and after a few seconds he pulled up a comparison of dx10 and dx11. "Cleary you can't see a difference in the two." The clerk sarcastically quipped as he held the tablet up.
Wayne grabbed the tablet with cheesey bean fingers and looked at the images. He laughed flinging more gut bomb out of his mouth. "That's just a little magnification and better resolution."
"What ever, look at it!" The clerk insisted. "It has better textures, lighting, particle effects and color."
"God damn it. I'm sick of everyone being all gay for the H Box Fun. It's a rip off and Phony's system is better and always has been!" Wayne visibly shook as he yelled and food was pouring from his mouth. "What's Left of Us was a great game with the best graphics by far and that was last gen. This next one doesn't need dx12 it has open GL and it's fine.
"Oh yeah, I forgot, What's Left of Us is better than Cleared for War and The Unchanted series has better graphics than Oval." The clerk laughed. "You fucking fan boys don't know shit. Enjoy Wad Nation Facials and Little Dick Planet on your Gaystation!"
"Unchanted is better than Oval and you're a fucking Nazi!" Wayne slammed the rest of his burrito on the floor and threw a five dollar bill at the clerk. "Have fun with your piece of trash H Box, have fun with your Oval series that's played out." Wayne stomped out the door and the cashier followed him.
He popped his head out on Wayne and yelled, "The only Oval that's played out is the brown one between your mom's butt cheeks!"
Wayne stalked off when he couldn't think of a come back and it didn't matter because the clerk went back inside any way. "Man fuck that guy, what a dick." Wayne held his hands up mimicking a handicapped person. "I play with Master Butt Cheek's brown oval." He muttered. Suddenly Wayne heard footsteps approaching quickly followed by a voice shouting "Knock out!" then his world went dark. Wayne fell as the youth knocked the living shit out of him and hit his head on the curb. He was rushed to the hospital and was admitted to intensive care for massive head trauma. The blow was so fierce it caused severe brain damage. The Manbat strikes again.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Don't Call It a Comeback: The Manbat Returns!
Wayne has his trusty laptop at work with him on a Tuesday evening. Since it was the slowest day of the week at the Gas Up, he was watching some videos on yootoob to kill time with. A particular video had caught his attention.
It was a video that a guy had made with a Be Pro camera. The guy was wearing the camera on a helmet and doing some parkour to showcase his extreme thrill seekers group.
"A fucking commercial, I need a fucking commercial to show people how awesome I am" Wayne said out loud.
Wayne paused the video and popped open another browser window. He directed the browser to a popular search site and typed in "buy be pro camera" and then clicked on the first result. The camera was $99 so Wayne bought it right there on the spot.
3 days later the camera showed up on his doorstep. Bruzinski already decided that he was going to use "Eye of the Tiger" for the song in his video. He spent some time getting used to how the camera worked and devising a plan to mount it for his awesome video.
He wrote a script for his video that looked like this;
---------------------------
The Manbat Ossum Interwebz Pwnage
Show training: Spinkicks, punching bag, knife range, wall running, roof jumping, etc.
Flyby of training camp.
Pushups, sit-ups, pull-ups, etc.
Be awesome and kick ass!
-------------------------------
The first thing Wayne wanted to do was the training camp flyby. He climbed a tree and fastened a wire to a high branch. With wire in hand he dismounted the tree and tied the other end to the bumper of his car. He had fashioned a dolly mount for the camera out of a two by four, some eyelet screws, and wrapped a towel around the outside edge to absorb the shock when it hit the bumper. Once again Bruzinski scaled the tree and secured camera to the mount and the mount to the wire. Wayne pressed "record" and let go of the mount, screaming "ACTION" as he did.
The camera sped down the wire and stopped when it somewhat roughly but safely impacted the car bumper.
"CUT" he yelled as he jumped from the tree, scraping his ass all the way down the trunk. Bruzinski turned around and kicked the tree. "You asshole" he spat. Wayne retrieved the camera and watched the flyby footage like 30 times. "Sweet fucking titties" he exclaimed!
For the rest of the afternoon Wayne both filmed himself doing activities like push-ups from a 3rd person perspective and also while wearing the camera mounted.
"This is so fucking sweet" he said as he lay in his hammock reviewing the days video cuts. Wayne was unsure how he was going to edit all of this together though, so he consulted the manual. It was there that he found what he was looking for. All he had to do was put the videos in the order he wanted then choose the option to "bookend all" and it would splice his videos together. There was also a "bookend all with custom audio" option, and "bookend all with custom audio and upload". He configured the device to do just that, but he wouldn't be able to finish it until morning. With delusions of grandeur, Bruzinski retired to bed.
The next morning Wayne popped out of the hammock and grabbed his Be Pro. "All I gotta do is the roof part and its a wrap" he touted. He put on his suit and head mount and headed up to the roof.
The Manbat hit record and broke into a run. He jumped the square gap in the roof like a champ. As soon as he landed he took the camera off and watched the footage. It was fucking amazing. "More" he said to himself.
He filmed himself scaling the wall, balance walking the truss, and even going hand over hand, hanging from the truss. "This is so fucking baller" he screamed from the roof.
Inspired by his badassness, Wayne decided to do a flip twist jump rappel down the side of the building. He pumped himself up for the maneuver by slapping his own face repeatedly and hopping from foot to foot. It was time.
The Manbat carefully measured out how much rope he would need to land smoothly against the wall after the backflip. After triple checking for accuracy, he strode 4 paces from the edge of the roof and without thinking too much ran towards the ledge. By some miracle of gods unknown, Bruzinski executed a perfect spin twist. He had however slightly misjudged the length of rope he would need and end up jumping way too far out. When the rope tightened, Bruzinski swung to the wall hard. He stuck his legs out in front of him to absorb the blow but he was off center. His left leg hit and spun him around so his back took the weight of the impact, blasting the air out of him. Immediately, he lost his grip on the rope and fell 30 feet onto a picnic table, head first.
Bruzinski was dying on the table. When he landed it broke the camera mount in such a way that it was pointing directly as his broken head and face. With the last of his strength he pulled the camera off and hit the power button. With that, the life left his body.
"The Manbat Ossum Interwebz Pwnage" went viral on yootoob. Bruzinski didn't realize that if you pressed the power button while the device was still recording, it automatically executed the command the user set it up for, in this case "bookend all with custom audio and upload". The video had 4 million hits before it was taken down due to a copyright claim on "Eye of the Tiger". The police had to get a federal warrant to get yootoob to release the video to them as evidence in the death of Bruzinski.
It was a video that a guy had made with a Be Pro camera. The guy was wearing the camera on a helmet and doing some parkour to showcase his extreme thrill seekers group.
"A fucking commercial, I need a fucking commercial to show people how awesome I am" Wayne said out loud.
Wayne paused the video and popped open another browser window. He directed the browser to a popular search site and typed in "buy be pro camera" and then clicked on the first result. The camera was $99 so Wayne bought it right there on the spot.
3 days later the camera showed up on his doorstep. Bruzinski already decided that he was going to use "Eye of the Tiger" for the song in his video. He spent some time getting used to how the camera worked and devising a plan to mount it for his awesome video.
He wrote a script for his video that looked like this;
---------------------------
The Manbat Ossum Interwebz Pwnage
Show training: Spinkicks, punching bag, knife range, wall running, roof jumping, etc.
Flyby of training camp.
Pushups, sit-ups, pull-ups, etc.
Be awesome and kick ass!
-------------------------------
The first thing Wayne wanted to do was the training camp flyby. He climbed a tree and fastened a wire to a high branch. With wire in hand he dismounted the tree and tied the other end to the bumper of his car. He had fashioned a dolly mount for the camera out of a two by four, some eyelet screws, and wrapped a towel around the outside edge to absorb the shock when it hit the bumper. Once again Bruzinski scaled the tree and secured camera to the mount and the mount to the wire. Wayne pressed "record" and let go of the mount, screaming "ACTION" as he did.
The camera sped down the wire and stopped when it somewhat roughly but safely impacted the car bumper.
"CUT" he yelled as he jumped from the tree, scraping his ass all the way down the trunk. Bruzinski turned around and kicked the tree. "You asshole" he spat. Wayne retrieved the camera and watched the flyby footage like 30 times. "Sweet fucking titties" he exclaimed!
For the rest of the afternoon Wayne both filmed himself doing activities like push-ups from a 3rd person perspective and also while wearing the camera mounted.
"This is so fucking sweet" he said as he lay in his hammock reviewing the days video cuts. Wayne was unsure how he was going to edit all of this together though, so he consulted the manual. It was there that he found what he was looking for. All he had to do was put the videos in the order he wanted then choose the option to "bookend all" and it would splice his videos together. There was also a "bookend all with custom audio" option, and "bookend all with custom audio and upload". He configured the device to do just that, but he wouldn't be able to finish it until morning. With delusions of grandeur, Bruzinski retired to bed.
The next morning Wayne popped out of the hammock and grabbed his Be Pro. "All I gotta do is the roof part and its a wrap" he touted. He put on his suit and head mount and headed up to the roof.
The Manbat hit record and broke into a run. He jumped the square gap in the roof like a champ. As soon as he landed he took the camera off and watched the footage. It was fucking amazing. "More" he said to himself.
He filmed himself scaling the wall, balance walking the truss, and even going hand over hand, hanging from the truss. "This is so fucking baller" he screamed from the roof.
Inspired by his badassness, Wayne decided to do a flip twist jump rappel down the side of the building. He pumped himself up for the maneuver by slapping his own face repeatedly and hopping from foot to foot. It was time.
The Manbat carefully measured out how much rope he would need to land smoothly against the wall after the backflip. After triple checking for accuracy, he strode 4 paces from the edge of the roof and without thinking too much ran towards the ledge. By some miracle of gods unknown, Bruzinski executed a perfect spin twist. He had however slightly misjudged the length of rope he would need and end up jumping way too far out. When the rope tightened, Bruzinski swung to the wall hard. He stuck his legs out in front of him to absorb the blow but he was off center. His left leg hit and spun him around so his back took the weight of the impact, blasting the air out of him. Immediately, he lost his grip on the rope and fell 30 feet onto a picnic table, head first.
Bruzinski was dying on the table. When he landed it broke the camera mount in such a way that it was pointing directly as his broken head and face. With the last of his strength he pulled the camera off and hit the power button. With that, the life left his body.
"The Manbat Ossum Interwebz Pwnage" went viral on yootoob. Bruzinski didn't realize that if you pressed the power button while the device was still recording, it automatically executed the command the user set it up for, in this case "bookend all with custom audio and upload". The video had 4 million hits before it was taken down due to a copyright claim on "Eye of the Tiger". The police had to get a federal warrant to get yootoob to release the video to them as evidence in the death of Bruzinski.
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